Someone recently raised the question of the difference between "Needs" and "Neediness" in relationships. Juxtaposing these two concepts gives some valuable clues about creating successful relationships. Here is what comes up for me:

NEEDS:

1. Are normal, valid, important
   
2. Are present in everyone, including healthy, successful people
   
3. Necessary to survive and thrive
   
4. Best met by taking responsibility, initiative
   
5. Unmet needs stimulate action
   
6. Most effectively met by being assertive
   
7. Met needs results in contentment
   
8. Ability to get needs met tends to attract others
   

1. Comes from desperation, helplessness
   
2. Driven by emotional deficits
   
3. Externalized problem and solution
   
4. Results in helpless/victim position
   
5. Insatiable, always needing more
   
6. Results in repelling others
   

Quite a contrast! Needs are present in all of us, and are not a problem or sign of weakness. We need to sleep and eat, we need light to see, we need love and relationships. Our ability to identify our needs and get them met determines our level of happiness and success. Neediness tends to be a sieve that will be empty regardless of how much you put into it.

In my coaching programs I help my clients identify Requirements, Functional and Emotional needs, and coach them to get them met in their life and relationships.

Requirements are core, basic needs that are often relationship-breakers if unmet, such as monogamy, having children, etc.

Needs are events that must happen for you to survive and thrive. Functional Needs are the events you need to happen for your life and relationship to function optimally, such as earning money to pay bills, helping with chores and child-rearing, etc.

Emotional Needs are what you need to feel loved, such as your partner calling if they will be late, being greeted with a hug, etc.

Occasionally, a client will express an issue with identifying their needs or requirements, interpreting doing so as a sign of weakness, pointing out the need for us to take responsibility for our needs and not rely on a partner to meet them.

While I agree with the value of taking responsibility for our needs, the reality is that we need a partner able to meet them, and the relationship may fail if there is not enough alignment/compatibility to meet each other's needs and/or requirements.

The next time this comes up for you, consider sharing this article!

Adapted from an article written by David Steele

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